Broken Mystic

Last night, I finally got to speak to her again. She told she’s engaged. Another man has come into her life. It has only been four months since our break-up and while I have been mourning and battling through the most difficult times in my life, she has found someone. When I told her that I wanted us to get back together, she said it’s too late for that now. Forget the fact that I have been calling her for months and writing her e-mails — she speaks to me only when she feels like it; it’s never the other way around.

I tried so hard to get answers from her in hopes to understand why she left me. Before, she had told me, “I don’t know, it’s a mystery. Just like our Love was a mystery.” Last night, I kept persisting and she finally told me that a large part of it was due to the fact that her parents were never going to accept me. When I asked why, she said because of the cultural and sect differences. She also said that her family would not accept my family. I don’t know what she was implying there. I can understand cultural differences — she’s half Iraqi and half Iranian, and I’m Pakistani — but is that enough to separate people? Did the Prophet ever say that Arabs must marry Arabs, Persians must marry Persians, or Pakistanis must marry Pakistanis? What happened to just being Muslim? She knows that I hold many Shia beliefs close to my heart, such as believing Imam Ali, alayhi salaam, to be the rightful successor of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him — nothing can change that. But apparently, there are “other factors” which she did not go into detail.

I feel so drained. I could hear that I was losing my voice as I spoke to her last night. I reminded her of all the poems that I wrote for her, the 12-14 page comic book I drew for her, the music I composed for her, and the things that I bought her from my own paychecks, but all she has to say is, “I know, I’m sorry” or “yes, they were Beautiful, but those moments are in the past, everything is transitory.” What about the Qur’an? That was revealed in the past — is that transitory too? I Loved her in the Name of God and she knows that more than anyone else, and all I am told is that those moments were “transitory”? They were not meant to last? Everything that I did for her, all that I expressed from my heart and soul: it resulted in NOTHING. ZERO. It maintained NOTHING. Things will never be the way they were.

And what confuses me the most is that she says her marriage with this new man will never be as Beautiful as our relationship was. How can she say this? She emphasized on this and also mentioned that she is in my shoes, i.e. she Loves someone who doesn’t Love her in return. Is she being forced into a marriage by her parents? I asked her, “does this guy write better poetry than me? Does he compose better music than me?” Then she said, “no, maybe this is where you will get your revenge because he’s not romantic at all.” Why is she continuing on with this? If things were so Beautiful with us, then what was the problem? What is the problem? All she tells me is that we are “not right for each other,” and she refuses to go into details. Even though she claims that she is in my shoes, I don’t believe she is. She hasn’t expressed herself in the same way that I have. If she wrote over countless mystical and passionate poems for someone she Loved and that person left her, then she will understand how I feel. If she composed the most complex piece of music that she ever could (like I did for her) and the one she Loved turned away from her, then she will understand how I feel. If she felt that someone was truly and undeniably her Soul Mate, but then that person left her, only then will she understand how I feel.

Imagine yourself as an artist, someone who constantly expresses him/herself, and imagine you find a very special person that you fall in Love with. This person Loves you so much in return too, and you do so much for him/her. You open your heart out for him/her and never think that you will ever be apart. Then one day you are told that you must let go of this person. Does she think that Allah doesn’t see all these things? Doesn’t she see how much pain I’m in? Or how much I am suffering? I feel like nothing. I feel insignificant. Meaningless. My psychology or filmmaking careers don’t define who I am — they are worth NOTHING to me if I cannot share my life with someone. I just made a 28 second anti-smoking commercial that people are praising me about and will most likely be broadcast on a county-wide MTV channel, but does it bring me happiness? I could care less about my own success, I’d rather people benefit from the message I am trying to convey in it. Everything that I desired and wanted, all those dreams have been shattered. There will be another man taking her to other countries, another man to take care of her, another man to hold her, another man to live with her forever. Forget that poor soul that she left behind. Forget that poor soul who gave her everything from his entire being.

Do words and rhymes mean nothing to people? Does music mean nothing to people? When someone expresses his/her Love for someone, does it really mean nothing? What matters to people? Is it money, is it the socio-economic status, is it the culture? She didn’t allow me the chance to meet her parents, so how on Earth does she know that they weren’t going to accept me? She met my parents, but forget about that, right? Forget the fact that my parents Loved her. Forget giving people chances, right? I feel cheated. I feel wronged. I feel lied to. Who cares if whatever happened between us in the past was Real or True — it didn’t maintain a single thing! It was wasted energy because those Beautiful poems that I wrote can be shared with NO ONE. What was the purpose of writing them? Does anyone know? No. Only God knows.

She tells me that there is someone else out there for me and that I will be able to express my Love again. It is so easy for her to say that. So easy for her to say the generic things that everyone else would say to me. She was not standing next to me when I was drawing that comic book for her, she does not know how much time, effort, and Love I poured into that. I told her that I hope her future husband makes her happy and “succeeds in where I have failed.” She responded, “you didn’t fail. We were just not right for one another.” Yeah, she should have told me that before I did all those things for her.

She doesn’t sound happy with this person. She says “this is her fate” in such a negative tone. She even told me that she’s miserable and hasn’t been herself, despite the fact that she’s engaged. But what can I do? This is not a fairy tale where I can just swoop in on the wedding with a flying unicorn and carry her away. This is not a movie where I start racing towards her house, knock on her door, plead my case, express how much I Love her, and just watch her come back to me. Those movies and stories are not written to say that these things can happen, they are written to say that these things should happen. They are written to say that people should listen, people should give others second chances, people should go where their heart is, etc.

What angers me the most is when she says that her and this new guy are “engaged to get married.” Well, so were we!! I don’t care what anyone says. So what if we weren’t engaged “officially” — we were in Love through the eyes of God. Whenever I would write her a card, I would write our names in Arabic, then draw a heart in the middle with “Allah” written inside of it. This symbolized how much we kept Allah close to our relationship. But she has forgotten about that apparently. What kills me the most is that I know if I had a successful career and if I was financially stable, we would have been married by now. So what if I didn’t have a job right now? So what if I’m just a student? It’s not like I’m an uneducated homeless man. It’s not like I’m not going to school or studying.

I apologize for this angry, bitter, and maybe even cruel entry. This is just the way I feel and I cannot help it. She says to me that “I am blinded by all this negativity” but she says this to me as if I have control over it. I pray that no one has to go through what I am going through. And if you are going through it, I pray that Allah will bring you healing soon insha’Allah. Just go and visit my old blog and read all the poems I wrote for her: Realm of Mystics and Seekers. I have to delete all these things, as if they never happened. All three years, just wasted and crushed and destroyed and forgotten. I have to find a way out of this misery. I am sorry for talking so much about her like this, I know this is haram to speak behind someone’s back, but I am so hurt. If she does not bother to think about me before she decides on an engagement with some new guy that comes into her life, then why should I be expected to consider not posting this? Why should I be expected to not make a short film about my pain and suffering?

I am a Romantic. The world changes. We do not. We grow and expand. The rest of the world that wants separation will just die and stay here. As ChirpyChickadee tells me, life and God have their way in dealing out justice. Allah knows all and sees all. He is mindful of everything. He knows what pain I am enduring right now and He knows what to do with those who have wronged others.

~ Broken Mystic